Recent blog items

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October 2, 2024

October is breast cancer awareness month

For a while, before Debbie’s diagnosis and treatment, there was a breast cancer support campaign with a focus on men: “save the ta-tas.” I saw bumper stickers and a few tee shirts. I suppose it was cute and catchy, but I’ve finally figured out why I didn’t like it. This isn’t just about breasts, it’s about women. 13% of women will get breast cancer in their lifetime, according to the American Cancer Society. That’s one woman out of eight.

Save the women.

August 1 2024

Words, sentences and the future

I had a six-month dry spell with all of my essays and articles rejected by the reading editors. Late last year I took a reset. Over the first months of this year I did three things:

• I thoroughly re-edited everything I had written
• I wrote some more essays
• I spent time thinking about who was more likely to accept what I write about caring for my wife through and after cancer. 

In July I was shown I was going in the right direction. On a Thursday evening I submitted an essay. On Friday morning the editor accepted it with the words, "I love it!" This was a thoroughly rewritten early essay, sent to a women-oriented magazine instead of a literary journal or one of the few focused on autobiography and memoir. The essay was Washing my Wife's Hair. The editor at Your Tango modified the title to Washing my Sick Wife's Hair. I'd never have called my wife sick, but headlines are about marketing the article, including getting search engine hits. The editor at Your Tango liked my first essay from over a year before, so Your Tango also republished She was Never Alone. (My writing is in reruns!)

I've just sent a pitch for a new essay, I am an Upcycled Husband. There's a precedent now, I'll be disappointed if I'm not accepted within 24 hours. ;)

I've got more essays approaching readiness to pitch over the coming 4-8 weeks, including:

• Every Night for a Year, about giving Debbie a massage to clear edema from surgery and fibrosis (pronounced "scars") from radiation. It was every night for the first year and is once a week now. 
• My Love Language, exploring the original idea of love languages and showing how I used all five of them (often combined together) while giving Debbie the support she needed. 
• A Part-Time Medication Sommelier, a title I gave myself as I woke Debbie up to take her first morning pill on time. Over a few months the title became an essay about the things I've done to help her take and deal with all her medications during and after treatment for cancer. 

All of these are about our relationship, built upon stories about getting through her treatment together. I look forward to telling you where they've been published. 

"Hey, wait a second, Keith. I thought you wrote a book. Where's the book?"

The essays are what publishers call a platform. Getting essays published related to the memoir is a way of showing a book publisher there are enough readers out there that they can make money publishing the book. Publishing essays is on the path to getting the book published. In between essays I'm re-re-editing the memoir again, based on part on what I"ve learned and decided when I took a different approach with the essays.

May 16, 2024

Women and security

I was walking down the corridor at work. She came out of a door right in front of me. She came out so fast I suspect I surprised her as much as she surprised me. I skipped a step to make sure she was clear ahead of me. She struck me as young, perhaps she was an intern working for the summer between semesters. I continued walking slower than I usually do, letting her get further ahead of me.

It appeared we were both going to the restrooms. The men's room and women's room have entrances next to each other. I wasn’t looking at her when we reached the rest room doors, but I saw in peripheral vision she slowed and turned her head to spend a second getting a good look at me before going in.

I work in a manufacturing facility with decent security and keycards necessary to pass through multiple doors. All of us wear our ID badges in plain sight. Even in such a secure setting, she felt the need to be careful about the guy following behind her. That’s what I noticed most about this young woman.

February 14, 2024

Valentine’s Day, chemotherapy and roses

This photo shows the annual gift of roses for Valentine’s Day. I’ve given her roses on occasion in the past, but this is now a tradition. These are more than nice flowers.

Five years ago Debbie was suffering from “the bad week” after her final chemotherapy infusion. As chemo was ending, a bad week lasted two to three weeks. All through chemo I often brought home flowers from the grocery story. They provided a tiny spot of color in her otherwise dull days of dealing with everything chemo did to her. She liked me to move them to the room she was in so she could look at them.

For Valentine’s Day that year I didn’t just pick up grocery flowers. I called the florist nearby in advance to order a dozen roses, assorted colors. Talking through color choices I settled on what is now the standard mix of four red, four pink and four of a nice, variegated pink-purple. The roses were a nice pick-me-up for Debbie, a little extra boost over ordinary flowers. She would ask me to move them to keep them in her line of sight, even moving them in the room when she changed position. We even slept with them in the bedroom.

Roses made a difference for her, and they were still another demonstration that I was caring for Debbie fully. More than just her physical needs I was also supporting her mental health.

I ordered them to pick up when I would already be leaving the house, meaning I picked them up a few days early. There was a limit on how much time I was willing to be out of the house in case she needed me.

Now for every Valentine’s Day I take delivery of a dozen roses in a mix of colors a few days early. They are still a pick-me-up for Debbie. They still remind her I support her in every way I can find.

 

Jan 12, 2024
After three weeks drafting it, sometimes just one new sentence in an hour, and three more weeks editing, my new essay has improved enough that I no longer hate it. Now I must edit until I like it.
And the name has been changed to Support is love language. It turns out my caregiving embraced all five of the love languages introduced in the 90s. 

Jan 10, 2024
We had no phone, television or internet due to weather Tuesday. We live behind a hill, so weak cell signal. I connect my mobile to wifi at home. There was no social media, no web to browse. It was awful, I had nothing to help me procrastinate. With no excuses, I was forced excuse actually write for two hours.

Dec 30, 2023
Sure, he strips the bed, puts on clean sheets and washes the old sheets. But he also does this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dec 27, 2023
I invite you to join me in ringing in New Year 2024 in Vienna, Austria. That will be at 5:00 pm in my time zone, getting it over with so I can then have an ordinary quiet evening.

Dec 24, 2023
I guess my life will never be a Hallmark movie

• I'm already married to my high school sweetheart
• we don't live in our small hometown, we're 30 miles up the road after decades elsewhere
• neither of us need to get away
• my job isn't artisinal, I'm an R&D engineer

Dec 23, 2023
Playing Scrabble with family on the holiday weekend turned into a master class on sweet, polite trash talk.
"That's an adequate score."
"I didn't expect you to know a word like that."
"Sure, show off your fancy college words."
“You can spell it, but can you use it in a sentence?”
Or
“You could try to leave letters for the others to play from once in a while.”

 

Dec 8, 2023
Major publishing news. After two years of intense negotiations, my lovely wife has finally agreed to be listed as an author of our memoir, the one that's about her breast cancer treatment. It was not easy to convince her. Now she’s even submitted an essay with her own byline. (All our essays are a team effort and this one target publication wanted a women’s viewpoint.) 

Dec 5, 2023
BREAKING: important news for all writers. Brian May, a University President with a PhD in Astrophysics and, in his spare time, the guitarist for Queen, admitted in an interview he still experiences impostor syndrome.

People, it's not a weakness, it's just part of being a creative human.

Less recent blog

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(Some have been culled out. for 2022 and older go to the older blog contents)

Nov 23, 2023
I have begun writing the first draft of a new essay, "Support is my love language." 
Essays aren't easy. The outline took 2 hours on Monday. Drafting, then editing to beat the thing into presentable shape will probably take 4 weeks.

Nov 17, 2023
With a dusting of snow on the ground and cold temperatures outside, we lit the first fire of the winter in the fireplace. It was different from last year. This year I opened the chimney damper before lighting the fire.

Nov 8, 2023
My wife, usually very modest, got these firsts thanks to breast cancer treatment:

• her first topless photos
• her first tattoo
• "sunburn" (from radiation treatment) on a breast that's never been in the sun
• a husband writing about trying to have sex after six months

Oct 28, 2023
My wife had an art project event on Sunday, a two hour drive away out in Farm Country. We made a weekend of it by traveling there on Saturday and spending the afternoon at Bishop Hill, a historic town turned art colony. Founded in 1846 by Swedish Immigrants under the leadership of Eric Janson, it was a utopian commune, everyone owning a share, no one owning land or major assets and everyone working in the industries and upkeep of the village. 
Many died on the voyage over, more still died living in hillside dugouts over their first winter in Illinois. They quickly advanced to selling farm crops, built a broom factory and a sawmill. Later they manufactured furniture, there were plenty of walnut trees around. Enough businessmen came to buy from the town they built a hotel from brick, which still stands. 
Everyone belonged to Janson’s pietist sect so the town only needed the one church, which still stands with one-room apartments on the ground floor and the church on the upper floor. 
There is a museum on the outskirts where you can learn more about the history. A volunteer gives tours of the church. 
The moment came, a generation later, when the commune was not economically viable. All living member families got an equal share of the farmland and separately of the woodland the commune owned. Somehow they divided up ownership of the houses. 
Today the village features painters, sculptors, ceramicists, an event space and a couple of good restaurants. 
And beautiful autumn days.

Oct 23, 2023
Once in a while, NPR’s All Things Considered can put tears in my eyes. Their Unsung Hero segment this afternoon had a cancer patient tell of the power of a woman (who she didn't know) offering her a big hug while in the cancer center. I do have a soft spot for cancer patients after my wife's experience.

Oct 11, 2023
On this day in 1984, Thomas the Tank Engine first appeared on television. But do you know about Thomas’ early years, when Sir Topham Hatt was simply Bertie Bowler, an apprentice to Sir William Stanier? This rare photo from the Swindon works shows a very young Thomas, still being assembled, with Sir William, Bertie and a camera-shy foreman. 

Oct 3, 2023
For years, I joked with Debbie her breast exams were so important, I'd be happy to do them. Then a mammogram led to a biopsy, the biopsy to a cancer diagnosis. She's now cancer free, and once a week I give her a breast massage for lymphedema. I’ve written about breast massage and I’m out hunting for a journal to publish it. 
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Save your life, save yourself a lot of trouble, get a mammogram. 

Sep 26, 2023
For those of us frustrated with pitching short pieces to journals and wondering if any of those editors are sane, I comment to you for reading the "FAQ for the paranoid" from Lascaux Review. 

Sep 8, 2023
I picked up an old (ca 1968) college English anthology at a yard sale. The first piece was Hemingway. I came away thinking I'd have edited it shorter. I stopped short of red-penciling.
I suppose now I must run to avoid prosecution for heresy. Don't know if I'll be permitted to write any more.

Jul 1, 2023
Wife: I'm going out to get the mail
Me, winking: you can get the male when you come back in, if you want
Wife: Those days may be over
It's just a phase she's going through. That's not her talking, it's the Anastrozole. She just needs to be allowed to have her estrogen back.

Jun 24, 2023
An hour from now my brother-in-law will be cremated. He was a good father and husband. He was a friend, ready to be serious or tell a joke as the situation warranted. He died two weeks after being diagnosed with a silent cancer. 
Kay, you are still in our hearts.

Jun 7, 2023
At the Anchorage airport, on our way home from a week-long cruise up the Alaska coast. 

Jun 5, 2023
Mount Doom, seen from the sea. (I believe this is Mount Fairweather in Glacier Bay National Park, Alaska, seen from the Gulf of Alaska.) 

Apr 27, 2023
An otherwise forgettable woman has an obituary being reported nationwide for just one reason: a casual act of cruelty she committed in 1955, at the age of 20. In August 1955, Carolyn Bryant accused Emmett Till of making improper advances to her while she worked in the grocery store she and her husband owned in Money, Mississippi. It appears Till whistled at her although it was known back home in Chicago that he sometimes made a whistling sound as he spoke. In her testimony, Bryant claimed he’d grabbed her hand and asked for a date. She complained to her husband, leading to Till’s kidnapping and lynching. The cruelty rapidly expanded; young black men who probably were aware of Till’s beating in a shed were arrested and held in another county’s jail to assure they could not testify. The two men responsible for Till’s kidnapping were acquitted at trial but implicated themselves in an interview with Look magazine a few months later. 

Apr 22, 2023
Debbie is getting over a bad cold, coughing a lot to clear congestion. A long time ago we learned "chest PT," physical therapy of gentle pounding on the back, really improves the clearing. For those of you who were wondering, no, I haven't stopped beating my wife. But only when she needs it.

Apr 19, 2023
When my wife was at the end of her rope during cancer treatment, she didn't fall. I learned my rope was strong enough to support both of us until she was far enough into recovery, mental as well as physical. I kept her fed, kept her clean and kept her clothed. Debbie’s oncologist knows me well, I was with her for every appointment until about three years after the end of treatment. When treatment was over I shifted supporting her physical and mental recovery. I’m still supporting her, she’s still managing aftereffects of cancer treatment. 
Caregiving is simply what you do for the woman you love. 

Apr 14, 2023
I went with Debbie to see a new doctor, something she usually invites me to do. She went in prepared with a list of questions. I sat off to the side, asking infrequent questions to clarify. When he got to talking to her about options he seemed to spend most of his time making eye contact with me. I stopped looking at him, I looked at her. (I learned it's not as easy to pay attention to him that way). He spent the rest of the time looking to her as he spoke. I couldn't tell if he took my hint or just stopped making eye contact when I wasn't making eye contact. 

Apr 5, 2023
In spring, an old man 's thoughts turn to rhubarb.

Feb 7, 2023
Readers tell me I need to put the trigger warnings up front. (They were on fourth page of the original draft.) Does this first page of a memoir put you off? 

Feb 3, 2023
I just heard a male politician describe a female politician as "overly ambitious." This is a shout-out to women men think of as "overly ambitious." You must be doing something right if men are getting uncomfortable with what you’re accomplishing.

Jan 22, 2023
I'm washing her hair in the shower. She has a lot to say about whether I'm doing good work.
"Temples, temples!" She thinks I haven't been giving enough attention to the area just above her ears.
I kiss her. "Yes, your body is a temple where I worship."
 

My wife is lucky

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In the summer of 2023 we went through another round of biopsy and cancer treatment. Instead of making you read about this episode backwards, here are my comments in chronological order. 

Jun 16, 2023
We're beginning Year Five of Debbie’s cancer vigilance after the end of treatment. No bad news so far. But "let's image you kidneys to be sure" became "let's look again" and again. Kidneys look different every time. Last go-round the radiologist noticed spots on her lung. Add to that, she's had a cough that hasn't gone away in a couple of months. 

Jun 29, 2023
X-ray image to check on the spots in wife' kidneys showed kidneys no big deal
But noted a spot in her lungs
MRI-inconclusive
PET scan not definitive
So she's scheduled for a lung biopsy.
She's also quietly scared and short-tempered.
4-1/2 years after the end of breast cancer treatment.

Jul 3, 2023
Long phone call from a nurse today with instructions for the lung biopsy Friday. This biopsy is almost five years to the day after the breast biopsy that came back with her original cancer diagnosis. I don't want to call her agitated, but she's not sleeping well.
I’m think about exactly five years ago. Right after the July 4th weekend of 2018 Debbie had the biopsy that gave her the breast cancer diagnosis. 

Jul 8, 2023
Debbie rates my care-giving after her biopsy 4 out of 5 stars. I lost a star because laughing is a little painful for her.
The scan-xiety is behind us, the scan was completed. It led to a biopsy. The biopsy was on Friday. Now we wait "it could be ten days" for results. Today we are becoming familiar with biops-xiety.

Jul 19, 2023
The biopsy hasn't told us what it is and it may not. The pathologist says it appears to be malignant. I'm guessing it's metabolic breast cancer. I do'nt say tht to Debbie.
Tuesday morning Debbie will have a walnut-sized portion of her lung removed. The surgeon says the procedure is simple. It will be laparoscopic, so minimally invasive and no need to break or spread the sternum or the ribs. 

Jul 22, 2023
It turns out Debbie is "lucky." She does not have metastatic breast cancer. Further pathology has determined the spot in her lung is a spindle cell neoplasm. She's "lucky" is isn’t spreading breast cancer,  but in exchange she is now being followed for two different types of cancer. About 5% of her lung will be removed Tuesday morning.

Jul 25, 2023
Debbie’s surgery is over. The lung resection took about two hours. She feels okay, but points out she doesn't know what she was given for the pain, or when. Going home in a few hours, surgeon says.
My current favorite medical phrase: clear margins.
About 10 hours after walking into the hospital for lung surgery, Debbie got in the car to go home. She felt pretty good! I am astonished at how simple this kind of thoracic surgery turned out to be. The surgeon comes out to our suburban hospital one day a week from the Big City. In his spare time he’s a Professor of Thoracic Surgery at one of the medical schools in the city. 

Jul 26, 2023
Patient recovery moment: "I don't know if that audiobook from the library is good or not. But it was great to sleep through."

Jul 27, 2023
Patient recovery moment: I took a picture of my topless wife last night, a 3/4 view. It was so she could see the surgical entry points, and so we can check if they change for the better – or for the worse.
On her phone, not mine. It's her photo. 

Jul 28, 2023
Patient recovery moment: I've been dismissed as her dealer. She woke up this morning feeling good enough to decline a dose of narcotics.

Jul 29, 2023
Patient recovery moment: in a major reversal of roles, she just popped in to where I'm sitting to give me a kiss.
"You know, you owe me more than that," I said. 
But she, unimpressed, was already on her way out the door.

Jul 30, 2023
Patient recovery moment: once again we are "the romantic couple" in the neighborhood, walking slowly with her arm linked through mine. It looks romantic from a distance, but it's practical: she likes the steady support.

Jul 30, 2023
Patient recovery moment: her (laparoscopic, minimally invasive) surgical entry points were between her ribs. These spots are still healing, still tender. I'm learning different arm positions for hugging her, I don't want to hit a tender spot. It's hard to change the old familiar.

Aug 3, 2023
Patient recovery moment: Debbie has recovered her flexibility enough that she can change clothes without help. Despite my protest that I really like helping her undress, I've been dismissed.

Aug 6, 2023
Patient recovery moment: I made my wife cry this morning. She's unhappy pains and twinges post surgery stop hugs. I said "we're in this together." She started sobbing. I gently held her for some minutes. 
She said I'm too nice to her. I said that wasn't going to change. 

Aug 7, 2023
Patient recovery moment: we had a long talk in the middle of the night. She was feeling pain right around where her diaphragm is. The tears weren't about just pain, she was scared of what it might be. She spent this morning at the ER and learned there is nothing obviously life-threatening. It’s just post-surgical pain showing up in odd places. Still hurts, but less scary.

Aug 15, 2023
Post surgery, Debbie is still careful of lifting. She texted a list of heavier things to pick up from the grocery on the way home, milk, juice, a melon.
I texted back: "They ain't heavy, they're my groceries."
She replied: "you're so vain, I'll bet you think this list is about you."

Aug 21, 2023
We're driving to still another biopsy.
Wife: "Thank you for taking off work to drive me."
I: "There's nothing more important to me than you."
Time passes in silence.
Wife: "I'll probably complain."
I: "Babe, I'm here so you can complain to me."

Sep 1, 2023
I sent a text to Debbie’s oncologist thanking her for explaining biopsy results to us in today’s appointment. She's the kind of doctor you're grateful for. (She's the kind of doctor who gave us her cell phone number the day she took Debbie as her patient.)

Sep 14, 2023
Debbie had another scan today. Over dinner I complimented her on not developing scanxiety this time. She'd stayed really calm about the whole thing, even the night before. 
She sighed. "I'm just numb to all this medical crap."

Sep 16, 2023
Our conversation over lunch today: how to arrange her funeral. In painfully detailed detail. What music to play, ask the guests to come in suits and dresses, what to serve.
Her appointment with oncology specialist is next week, just to confirm there's nothing of concern.

Sep 21, 2023
My wife is sooo special! 4-year breast cancer patient has now been treated for a completely independent inflammatory myofibroblastic sarcoma of her lung based on the pathology examination of the part of her lung the surgeon removed. Apparently that’s a narrower, more specific description of the renegade spindle cell neoplasm from the biopsy. It would not have been found and treated so quickly if she wasn't being followed for breast cancer. Now she's under surveillance for two completely different forms of cancer.