When my wife was at the end of her rope during cancer treatment, she didn't fall. I learned my rope was strong enough to support both of us until she was far enough into recovery - mental as well as physical. I'm still supporting her today as she continues to deal with the lingering consequences of cancer treatment.
Caregiving is simply what you do for the woman you love.
Trigger warnings
(for the memoir, this web site isn’t too troubling)
- This memoir is a frank discussion of all the messy details of getting through cancer care. It was sometimes messy, requiring clean-up. The patient had profound diarrhea as well as nausea, so you're going to read about how we dealt with cleaning up various bodily fluids.
- While there is a happy ending (the patient is still alive!), the experience was a challenge. You will read about a patient experiencing a tough combination of extreme fatigue exacerbated by dehydration from diarrhea and the depression brought on by not only cancer itself but also all the physical issues treatment caused.
- If I describe a book as a romance, that suggests there will be sex. In this memoir you're going to read about two middle-aged people trying to have sex after a months-long gap. It is not at all erotic, in fact it’s more about disappointment. But it is tender.
Summary
This cancer memoir has some unique elements, including telling Debbie's story from my viewpoint as husband and caregiver. I didn’t drop in or come home after work, I was there for her, 24/7 when necessary. She needed a lot more support than most breast cancer patients.
Despite the cancer and the patient's challenging experience of cancer treatment – chemotherapy, surgery and radiation therapy – this memoir has a positive outlook. Debbie is now clinically cancer-free. The only way to get from the shock of the diagnosis to this happy ending is through the challenges of the treatment. She experienced an especially difficult set of the side-effects of chemotherapy. As a result, her experience includes firing her first oncologist, from her hospital bed, in the middle of chemo.
It’s a memoir, but at it’s heart this is a love story. Everything you would expect of a romance is there, a strong heroine and her supporting lover, challenges to their relationship and the meaning of true love. Debbie was a hero during cancer treatment because she kept going to the next step despite how awful it made her feel. The goal at the end was worth fighting to achieve. You could think of this story as a hero's journey, with the hero sitting still in infusion chairs and various procedure tables, as treatment brings the challenges to her. We spent so much more time in the cancer center than the typical breast cancer patient the receptionist could greet us by name as soon as we came in the door. Every nurse knew Debbie’s case and saw what a roller-coaster she was experiencing.
Debbie and I want our story to be useful. We learned lessons, large and small. Often enough, we learned because of mistakes we made. A notable difference from other cancer memoirs I've read: I don't just complain about our challenges, I describe what we did about them. When we messed up I go into what we can share to help others learn from our experience.
Cancer isn’t just a physical challenge. Tell a woman there is something wrong with her breast. Tell her she will lose all her hair as treatment begins. Say her two breasts will different from each other after surgery, “but we’ll get to that much later.” After treatment is formally over, tell her she has to take Anastrozole for years, taking away her libido and giving her a painfully dry vagina. It is difficult to imagine a worse attack on her self-image.
Her needs have changed over time, but I'm supporting Debbie’s recovery even today, years after the end of treatment. I've had her back every step of the way. I cared for her body, but also for her mind and soul. I've been rewarded: I have my wife back.